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Bianka Perez

Mrs. Mezzannote

4^th period

2/04/04

Shadows of a Love Long Repressed

I approached Miss Havisham’s old house, a sudden wave of nostalgia pouring over me. Everything was left just as it was before--mystifying and menacing all at once. My eyes instantly darted to the sweet garden that I walked with Estella’s hand on my nervous shoulder so many years ago.

Oh, Estella! That name slipped off of my tongue like sugar. How I longed to claim that name, that woman. I shook my head as I stepped forward onto brown terrain, catching the shadow of a woman’s figure in the distance. If only it were Estella, I thought hopelessly. And as I trudged forward, I felt a flutter in my heart and found myself squeezing the hand of little Pip.

The bonnet, the slender outline, and the soft curls at the side of her face gave her away. I promenaded toward her, all of my past feelings quickly resurfacing. Little Pip struggled to keep hold of my hand, but my natural instinct to ignore others when she was around kicked in.

“Estella,” I whispered as she whisked her head around to catch sight of me. Her face was greatly changed. The lips that were once full fell thin, the cheeks that were shapely and bright with rouge became wrinkled and colorless, and the forehead that shined with pride were now crinkled with age. However, her eyes still kept their old fire and her locks were still as golden as the sun.

“Pip,” she breathed. “I would never have expected to find you here. You and…your son come here often, I suppose?”

I shook my head several times over, hoping that she would not get the wrong idea. “He is not mine, though his name is Pip as well. No, I do not come here often; this is my first time in years, actually. How about you, Estella? What has your life been like?”

“It has not been well. My husband was an ogre and hardly treated me better than a man ever acted toward Miss Havisham. And you, Pip? Have you finally found someone willing to return your supposed love?”

I laughed and said in response, “No, I have been waiting for a hole to be filled inside my heart, even if I have to wait until after eternity.” Gaining sudden pride, I lifted little Pip and sat him on my shoulders, reminiscing of the old times with Joe. Estella squinted momentarily and looked at me, trying intensely to smile while her mouth moved downward instead.

“Eternity is a long time, Pip. As everything else, though, it ends, and all is either lost, forgotten, or finally achieved.” There was a brief pause until Estella picked up again. “What I’m trying to say, Pip, is that…I’ve been keeping a lot from you these past years. My marriage to Bentley Drummle was a forced one. Had I not accepted his proposal or any of his dinner-dates, he would stop providing the funds for my Miss Havisham’s overly large estate. Had you not ever wondered how she afforded that house and two-acre land for so long and still having money to spare? Miss Havisham had always thought it was her lost lover, repenting for his betrayal, but such a shallow thought could never be true.”

My mouth gaped open, and my blood rushed up to my head. “I should have known,” I choked out. “So Drummle bribed you? If you married him, he would keep on paying for Miss Havisham’s bills, but if you didn’t, she would go bankrupt in a hurry? That deceiving--”

Estella held up her hand and snapped, “Quiet, you, and let me finish. If I divorced him, the result would be the same as if I did not marry him at all. So for years I suffered for the happiness of my adoptive mother and was only rewarded by her death. I have nothing left but meaningless hope. You see, ever since we were children, I have held captive a feeling that is so powerful it hurts…” Estella’s face suddenly softened and all of her superciliousness was gone as she continued. “Someone so foolish but brave simultaneously I could help but fall in love with instantly. Sometimes feelings are portrayed by opposite expositions, if you did not know that already. What I am trying to say is, Pip, that I am prepared to return your affection and that I have been ready for years.”

I froze in place, taken aback at hearing these words come from Estella’s formerly cold mouth. I wanted to jump for joy, but my legs held no energy; I wanted to shout, but my voice failed me; I wanted to throw little Pip toward the heavens for joy, but my arms could not lift air. And so I waited for the tingle in my heart, the itch in my mouth, and the water in my eyes, but nothing came. For years I had waited for this?

I took a step back from Estella, a nonchalant smile on my face. “For all of my childhood and adulthood, you could say just about my entire life, even, I have waited for this circumstance, longing to feel true gratitude. But this is not it at all. Through suffering, tears, pain, and agony, I have persevered to be with you in the end, but...

"They say that if you love something you should let it go, and if comes back it's yours. And now that you've returned...I'm not willing to pick you up again."

Before I could see her face, I walked away from Estella, holding little Pip’s hand in mine, leaving my “great expectations” in the dust.

Bianka Perez

Mr. DiFazio

Honors Lit

8/25/03

No Life Is Too Small

   We were racing…flying at top speed, trying our best to make it in time. I had a lump in my throat, awaiting only pain and remorse. It would be eighteen hours until I found out the truth--eighteen hours too many. A life was hanging by a string, and it was a life that I had held too close at times, and not nearly as close as I should have at others.

   It was dark that Friday night as five people crowded into a suburban on a long voyage to Austin, Texas. Every mouth was silent and all eyes were dry, our emotions run unnaturally high. Dad was driving, occasionally crossing the double white line with disinterest.

   Uncle Ernest was hospitalized with a 25% chance of living. Even if he lived, Uncle would never have any recollection of his past. His daughters were already traumatized, realizing that, no matter the outcome, their father would never know how much they loved him.

   When his condition was revealed to him, Uncle stopped his drinking and smoking for a week or so; but when his children were taken away from him by the mother, he gained a feeling of worthlessness and began drinking and smoking again. His health only deteriorated and his internal organs collapsed. Unintentionally, Uncle ‘tried’ at his own life. We arrived in Austin at approximately 2:15pm. Just an hour before, we had been told that he was miraculously doing better. However, as we approached the Intensive Care Unit, our relatives told us differently. Uncle had already died twice. They were waiting for my Dad so they could "pull the plug".

   So we rushed to Uncle’s bedside, silently hoping that our mere presence could alter the world. Alas, the doctors terminated his life-support, and thus began the screaming. Grandma cried in agony, prayed out loud in Spanish, and begged for Uncle to return to life. Nevertheless, Uncle went into cardiac arrest, and all of us were able to see his lifetime of suffering in a morbid display of pain. Then all joined in Spanish prayer as Uncle ceased shuddering. He opened his mouth to try and breathe, but halted as his brain went dead.

   A chorus of weeping commenced, and the façade of tranquility fell like a curtain from my dad’s face. So streamed the diamond tears from his emerald eyes, mourning the loss of his baby brother. He collapsed by Uncle’s limp body, caressing his already cold fingertips. My dad closed Uncle’s eyes with his thumbs, placing a quick, brotherly kiss on his forehead.

   Grandma shrieked deafeningly, crumpling down to a wheelchair, knowing that her legs would not hold her ache. Relatives crowded her, vainly attempting to console her. She turned on the wheel to face me, her "favorite" grandchild, immediately wrapping her arms around my waist and drenching me in tears.

   In that moment came the slow dawning of realization, upon comprehending his actual suicide. In his wrinkled heart was an era of grief after grief, and the strong sentiment of insignificance. How many other people held empathy to his fatal situation? Turning to his bawling daughters and ex-wife, another question came to mind: how many more people should die without knowing how truly important their life is? No matter how depressed a person is, they should realize that people are quietly caring, and they’re always in someone’s heart. Nobody is ever forgotten, and no life is too small.

*shrug*

   She only tried to be a good Grandmother after my Uncle died. I guess she's still funny, though. What a lamentable life, though, don't you think?

TUESDAY, JULY 13, 2004:

   I had to wake up at 10:15AM in order to go to the dentist to get my incoming "Wisdom teeth" checked out. After being called into the dental room forty minutes after schedule, the imbeciles made me sit in a chair for another thirty-five minutes as they tried to fix the X-ray machine. Then, the actual dentist came in.

DR. STURN: Hmm... Nope. Those aren't your wisdom teeth. Those are your twelve-year molars.

ME: (mouth full of dentist fingers) Whoo-aaat? Fat fan't fe wiiight fefuz I'm--

(Translation: Whaaaat? That can't be right because I'm--)

DR. STURN: That's right. These teeth are your twelve-year-molars! And how old are you?

ME: I'm...(Dentist takes out fingers)...blech...fifteen! 

DR. STURN: Yeah... (laughing) Your teeth suck! (exaggerated laughter) No, I'm kidding, but you've just got some late incoming teeth, that's all.

ME: (frowning in disgust) ...Well, that's a relief, I guess. (getting up) Bye.

DR. STURN: Ohoho, we're not done yet! You've got a tooth that I want to fill up. There's no cavity, but it'd just be best if I filled it up anyway. Go to the front desk and schedule an appointment.

   Then I just left the room, kinda mad. I had gone to a dentist just the May before, and the people there told me that those teeth were my Wisdom teeth, but I couldn't bring that up because my mom said that if I did, our insurance would kick us out because we went to a different place.

   ...Nazis.

   Then my mom and I went shopping at Fashion Bug. I bought a black buckled shirt and a white button-up shirt. I usually just go with my mom, whine about our trip taking too long, (I don't like clothes-shopping. I shop like a dude) and then sit on a low shelf until we leave.

   I'm changing so much. It's weird, since I usually don't realize any changes in myself until the metamorphosis is complete (momentarily switched into Biology mode). But change is good.

   The change: Physical, emotional, and personality.

   Conclusion: ...Cooool...

   I got online at around 5:00PM and stayed online until 9:00PM when my mom decided that she wanted to go to Ross.

   ROSS SIGNIFIES: Underclothes shopping... That's where my mom absolutely loves to go when she wants those...errr...items.

   It turned out to be pretty fun. My sister and I were really wild. Below are a couple of examples.

Example 1!

ME: Uh...I have to release some tension. *

*Code for "I have to peeee".

NATALY: (not catching on) Well, then wait until we get home, and don't get any in my car.

ME: (mouth open, face aghast) Nataly! I can't believe that you just said that! Now everyone knows!

NATALY: Ahahaha--what?

Example 2!

   I don't know why, but my sister decided to knee me in the butt.

ME: (playful) Gaaahh! Maaaaaa! Nataly kneed my butt!

NATALY: Oh, waaahh.

ME: (just catching on to her own joke) Ahaha...Nataly kneed my butt. (turning to stare at Nataly) I'm gonna scream that. Dare me? Dare me?

NATALY: Noo!

ME: SHE KNEED MY BUTT! HEEEEYY, SHE KNEED MY BUTT!

MY INNER VOICE: ...You sound like you're a drunken black guy. Wahaha, you're an idiot!*

*Not a racial slur!

Example 3!

   I walked up to an itty bitty pair of green shorts. I put my hand up one of the legs and popped my hand outside of them through the top.

ME: (deep voice) Blaaaaah!

NATALY: (sharply) Bianka! Get your hand out of his shorts!

ME: (embarrassed because practically the entire store heard. Cue the hopeful teenagers coming toward me.) Huh? Nooo, these aren't anybody shorts! They're just shorts! Aha...haha...ha.

Example 4!

   My mom was scanning the dresses when she decided to speak up.

MOM: You know...the Delivery Boy was pretty cute.

ME: (drunkenly) Was he...Aaaasiaaan?

MOM: (sounding disappointed) No, he was white. But he was tall-tall-taaaall and had blonde hair. And blue eyes. And he was muscular.

ME: Oo-oo-ooh, sounds nice. You should've told me, though. I would've answered the door!

MOM: (smugly) Oh, yes, I can hear the conversation. You'll go up to him and he'll say, "Yess, I have your (sexily) pizzaaaa." And then you'll say, "And I've got your (sexily) mon-eeyyy."

NATALY: Oh, my gosh! Maaa, you're so dirty! (between laughs) The pizza is just like the guy's... (bursts out laughing again) And Bianka is like the...(laughs again)

ME: Whoa, Mom! You're bad!

MOM: (shaking her head but still smiling) You girls are so nasty.

   I ended up getting a pair of black pants with a huuuge black buckle for a belt and half-pockets all over it, and I also got a black "Beijing, China"  tourist shirt. I would've liked for it to say "Beijing, China... Where SARS came from!", but I couldn't find one like that. Too bad.

   We left at around the same time the store closed. We got home at around 10:00PM. Thirty minutes later, Christian called me, and we talked until about 2:30AM.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 14, 2004

   I woke up at around 11:30AM, cursing at my wretched alarm clock. Alarm clocks should be friendly, and play a nice little island song to wake you up. But nooo-oo-ooo, they have to be annoying and go, "EEEEK-EEEEEK-EEEEEK-EEEEEK" until you either hit the snooze button, turn the alarm off, or destroy the entire clock itself.

   I remember reading Rebecca until I was too bored to continue. Then daddy called and said that we shouldn't use electricity from 3-6PM because the electric charge per kilowat went from 3¢ to 25¢, which is tremendous. That's eight times as much as usual! So, during that time, I read Rebecca some more.

   The dental office called. Instead of my appointment being on the second day of school, August 10th, it got moved to the NEXT day at 10:30AM! What a let-down.

   I don't really remember what else I did until midnight. Then Christian called and we talked until 3:30AM. I had to get up at 9:00 that morning, too. I was soooo tired...but it was worth it. Talking on the phone is so fun!

THURSDAY, JULY 15, 2004

   I got up really early and went to the dentist in my brother's truck. His truck needs new shocks. He doesn't take good care of it, either. Idiot.

   So, the dentist called me in about twenty minutes after my scheduled time and sat me down in some chair. I waited for about fifteen minutes until he came back. You know what he did?

   He asked the assistant for a syringe. You know what those're for, right? ...Yeah, they're for shots. I almost squealed.

   So, he shot me right through the cheek. Like, the needle pointed out through it. Guess what he did next?

   He left me in the chair for nearly forty-five minutes! I understand that he's supposed to give time for the thing to numb me up, but it only took ten minutes!

   As soon as he came back in, he filled my tooth with some kinda silver thingy. I couldn't drink for an hour. I couldn't eat for even longer.

   I couldn't feel half of my face for eleven hours! It was torture. Curse that bloody dentist. Cuuuursee hiiim.

   Christian called me while I was sitting in the dentist chair with some things in my mouth. I had to silence the call 'cuz I just knew that if the dentist heard my phone he would've answered it for me.

   All I did for the rest of the day was random and consisted mainly of reading my book, taking a nap, wishing I could eat and/or drink (mom forbade me after a while), and then talking to Christian from 11:45PM until 2:03AM. (I did NOT memorize that! My phone did for me=)

   I ended up exercising and then going to bed at around 2:58AM.

FRIDAY, JULY 16, 2004

   I woke up at around 11:00AM. My mom and I watched novelas, just for fun. Then I read Rebecca some more, though I wasn't too into it. 

   My sister got home from work at around 1:00PM. She and I watched Mujer: Casos De La Vida Real together. She got really upset because a girl had gotten an abortion and was feeling bad and calling herself an assassin. My sister said that she really was an assassin for killing an innocent baby, and go ahead and freely insert some more angry words, if you will. 

   They left at around 2:30PM because my sister had a dental appointment. My brother left for work at around 3:30PM. I was left home alone for about an hour. It was nice. I love being left home alone sometimes, but most of the times I absolutely hate being alone. It's so scary, and then my mind totally wanders then. I start thinking that I'll always be alone, marital status-wise and such. Do I doubt that I'll end up without a husband and family, though? No, I actually don't. I mean, just look at me.



   l look like a lost hippie from the '60's! 

   Anyways, I went to Best Buy at around 5:00PM and got back quickly at 5:20PM. From then on, I just sat on the couch in the Family Room with my parents and sister. It was fun. 

   At around 7:00, I got online and started talking with Jessica. She and I want to get together, but we actually never got around to planning things out. Jessica just got her cell phone, and it seems way too complicated, so she was stressed out. I hope that she got everything working. 

   She got off at 10:08PM, and so I was left to talking with my internet buddy from Georgia. Her sn is Oathkept, and she and I are incredibly alike! Visit her awesome BLOG! She made that layout herself. She is the queen of site-construction. Behold her mighty power.

   And now I've caught up with myself. Here I am, writing this down. Nothing too important is happened or is going to happen in the immediate future, unless Christian decides to call, which would be nice. I'm not expecting it, though.

   That's all for now, everybody. Thanks for your time. Go ahead and comment, please. If not, just spend a moment or two writing on my tagboard (the chatroom thing on the side). I appreciate it=)

   Regards,

   Bianka.

Current Quote: "If we keep paying attention to the dirt on our feet, we’d never appreciate the sky’s beauty." Soda-cola-pop's The Night A Star Fell.

Current Mood: Contemplative

Current Music: Flying by Garnet Crow

 

MY CLASSES FOR NEXT YEAR ARE AS FOLLOWS: